Peace Offered Through Salvation
I remember the day so vividly. We just moved back home to Denver from Las Vegas. I was 4 months pregnant, with our youngest child, and working two part time jobs—25 hours a week at each. This particular morning, I woke up exhausted and could not will myself out of bed. The next thing I knew, my chest was tightening, my breathing quickened, and I was sweating profusely. My immediate thought was that I was having a heart attack, and that began to worsen my symptoms. I reached for my husband, who was lying next to me, and tried to explain to him what I was feeling through my rapid breathing. He tried to get me to relax, but I could not stop the force that had taken over my body. He ran upstairs and grabbed my sister to get her to help me. While this was going on, all I could think about was how this may harm my unborn child. I was so scared of the possible damage being done to her. My breathing became quicker and shorter, I began to feel dizzy and a bit out of touch with reality. My sister appeared by my bedside, and began to speak to me softly and slowly. She told me to focus on her words and to imagine myself in my favorite place. As she continued to speak to me, and my mind drifted off to the Japanese Tea Garden in San Francisco, I began to calm down. My heart stopped pounding and my breathing slowed. I had no idea what happened. My immediate reaction was to feel my belly and make sure the baby was still moving. Thankfully, she was. Once I was calm, my sister explained to my husband and me that I had a panic attack.
While this was the first time someone gave a name to this experience, this wasn’t the first time I had a panic attack. As I think back to childhood, I can remember having these symptoms at 7-years-old. I would lay in bed, and wait for my heartbeat to slow and breathing to steady—alone, in a dark room. In these moments, I truly felt like I was going to die, and I can remember praying and asking God to forgive me for my sins. Though I knew God was with me, I often felt alone.
In my late 30s, I learned that the panic attacks were a bi-product of 2 mental illnesses I struggle with, General Anxiety Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). When I received this diagnosis, I experienced a mixture of feelings. I was relieved to know what was causing me to have panic attacks, but I also felt as though the enemy was attacking me. It felt as though he used these illnesses to control me and strain my relationship with God.
I often felt like a bad Christian because no matter how many times I prayed 1 Peter 5:7, and tried to cast all my cares on Christ, I still struggled and felt as though God wasn’t with me. It wasn’t until a reread of Romans 8:31 that I remembered that since God is for me, who could be against me. Hallelujah! Because God is for me, the enemy has no hold on me. I know that because God “did not even spare his own Son but offered him up for us all” (Romans 8:32, CSB), He will grant me everything—including peace from the torment of these illnesses. I know without God, I would not be able to manage this on my own. He is my strength and my salvation, and He is peace in the storm.
Stephanie Patterson is originally from Denver, Colorado, and has called Las Vegas home since 2013. She has been married to her incredibly supportive and patient husband, Gabriel, since 2008. Her blended family includes 3 children – 2 adult children living productively on their own (hallelujah!), and a spunky, creative pre-teen who keeps her on her toes. Stephanie became a mother at a young age, and in her late 30s, is finally figuring out who she is. What she has discovered about herself, thus far, is she loves to read, write, cook/bake, and nap. What she has always known is that her heart belongs to God, and she feels called to connect with people who need help seeing that God loves and accepts them as they are. Stephanie is looking forward to sharing her life experiences and hopes to connect with others through the grace and glory of God.