In the Eye of the Hurricane
I sat in tears on the hard tile of the little house in Las Vegas I had just arrived at. My friend who traveled with me cross-country to my new internship as a youth pastor was struggling for words to comfort me. I had just quit my graduate work in my home state of Illinois to work in an innovative church in Vegas as a $500/month intern. The only person I knew in Vegas was the youth pastor who hired me. We had worked together at our church in Illinois and he recruited me into a new adventure. It took me over 8 months to decide to come. It was the first big step of faith in ministry I had taken. I was single, 26, tight knit with my family, blessed with incredible friends, but something was gently putting me towards this opportunity. I could tell the trajectory of my story with God was turning - something I never dreamed of or imagined for my life. As I was deciding, I read the stories of the heroes of the Bible who, when God asked, moved to unknown places, spoke before Pharaohs, and crossed seas and rivers – all because the God before them was pointing to a new place. I was not anyone of those heroes BUT I knew if I ever sensed that God was leading me, I wanted to be a part of it and I never wanted to be found saying, “no”.
So, I decided to move to Vegas. I put in my resignation at work and withdrew from my graduate work at my alma mater. My boss said I was making a huge mistake, and for some reason that made me feel as if I was making the right decision. Steps of faith are often inexplainable to the unbelieving. I spent several weeks saying goodbye to lifelong friends and family. While it was very difficult, there was a sense that I was being sent off with the prayers and commission of my closest people.
I packed up my Geo Prizm and my friend Tammy joined me for this road trip. We laughed. We sang Steven Curtis Chapman’s “The Great Adventure” over and over again. We saw rivers, Colorado’s gorgeous mountains, and the beauty of Utah’s canyons.
As we begun the drive into Vegas, reality set in. It was 1993 and the great expansion of Vegas was just beginning and this felt like a foreign place to this Midwesterner. We found the church and I met up with my friend and new boss. As he welcomed me, I became unusually quiet and listened as he explained where I would be staying. A precious widow woman had a room that I was going to use during my internship. He drove us out and as I was listening to him explain the area, I just wanted him to leave because I could feel the hurricane of emotions ready to burst. As soon as he left, I fell into a pile on the floor saying, “What have I done? This is crazy!” The woman I would be staying with was out of town and the air conditioner was broke. The heat on that August day was overwhelming which quickly coincided with my feelings.
This was a mistake. How did I ever think this was what God was leading me to? I know no one. I am all alone.
I missed everyone and everything. I felt completely
out of step with God’s desire for me.
We left for California to drop her off to visit family. On the 4-hour ride back through the desert alone, I was flooded with doubts and confusion. I didn’t realize it at the time, but the evil one was having a party - accusing me of being stupid, naïve and completely alone. I thought it would be different. I thought I would arrive with an immediate connection to my new city – that the love and strength I felt in my send offs would be meeting me when I arrived. God who seemed so near and clear during my time of decision now seemed so far away. I know the evil one especially delighted in that.
As I drove into the driveway of the empty, hot house, I sighed. I went into my room, sat on the floor, pulled out my Bible and my journal which told me of my story with God and all the ways He remained utterly faithful to me. As I looked through verses, worship songs, I said aloud to the only One who could hear me, “Ok God, make it count”. It was in that moment that He met me with His presence and strength as I remembered who He was, His work in ordinary people, and the power of His Word.
The evil one is a liar, a thief of joy, peace, and strength, and wants to separate us from God. He knows he can’t have us, so he wants to extinguish the work of God in us and the story God wants to do in through us. He will call us the names of our deepest fears – unworthy, alone, stupid, unloved. But ONLY by putting ourselves back into God’s word and presence can we defeat those lies to hear again the very Voice of God. The evil one will play harder and dirtier for those who take God at His word and make ourselves wholly available to Him. But do not fear - God is so much greater. The evil one played on my misconception that if I follow God where He’s leading, it will comforting or that I’ll never have hardship. But I have come to discover that following God into new places will be scarier, more challenging and more faith testing than what I have known before. The hurricane winds will blow but may we always take comfort that God calls us to the eye of that storm for that’s where He’s found.
Mary Quillin is a city-girl-turned-country-girl in her new life in North Dakota. She has been married to her hubby for 16 years and has 3 wonderfully, different kids who have begun their teen years (and she would appreciate all the prayers as possible on that note). After many years in full time ministry, Mary is learning how to show up and daily discover the journey of being available for whatever Jesus leads her to. She spends her days trying to build a welcoming shabby chic home in the heartland of North Dakota while learning to write and run.