This morning I woke up early with this blog on my mind so I opened my Bible to Romans 8 and then I just sat with it.  I asked God to flood my mind with the things I should write and this is what happened.  My mind went back to a phone call I had last night with my spiritual mentor.  We were talking about my mom’s cancer and questions I should ask her doctor.  She said something to me that I will never forget.  She actually said 45 minutes worth of things to me, but this statement is cemented into my brain.  “Sometimes it feels as if our life is surrounded by an electric fence and we don’t know where it is until we bump up against it.”

This last month I've found myself reading through the book of Ecclesiastes and grieving books. Our good friend’s son recently passed away unexpectedly just a few days after thanksgiving. We were heartbroken and still are. My husband and I would find ourselves just randomly crying through the days that followed his death because of the shock and deep despair we were experiencing. This little boy wasn't even 3 years old and he was one of my daughter’s dearest little friends. Everything suddenly felt very unfair. I started questioning God more than I ever had before: "What good comes front this?" "How do you work through something of this magnitude?" "How is there supposed to be joy in the midst of this type of pain?" "How do they, our community, our family, move forward from this?" So many days I would talk to God out of pure anger. During my kids nap time I would leave the monitor with my husband shut myself in the car and just scream and whale uncontrollably. Those first few weeks were probably some of the hardest days of my entire life. As I started to come out of the shock and anger, I started experiencing shame.

Do you know how to wrestle?  Have you watched a competitive wrestling match?  Maybe your brother or son wrestled in high school or college and you were there to cheer them on.  Maybe you’ve seen a match while flipping through all the different events during the Olympics.  Wrestling takes patience, strength, and technique to be able to grapple with your opponent, pin them, and win the match.  I can wrestle with my children and quickly “win” the match, but wrestling with myself and my thoughts proves to be a much more powerful and difficult opponent. 

This year I’m going do it. No matter what, I am going to make it happen. I am going to lose the extra pounds, work out, be more self-disciplined and have balance in my day. These are my goals and no matter what, by will power it will happen this year. This year is different! I’m going to start as soon as I get done singing “Auld Lang Syne”. No messing up this year. Nope, this is the year for change. I am filled with hope and determination. No stopping me, my mind is made up!