I remember the day so vividly. We just moved back home to Denver from Las Vegas. I was 4 months pregnant, with our youngest child, and working two part time jobs—25 hours a week at each. This particular morning, I woke up exhausted and could not will myself out of bed. The next thing I knew, my chest was tightening, my breathing quickened, and I was sweating profusely. My immediate thought was that I was having a heart attack, and that began to worsen my symptoms. I reached for my husband, who was lying next to me, and tried to explain to him what I was feeling through my rapid breathing. He tried to get me to relax, but I could not stop . . .

Thank goodness for fresh new starts! The Christmas season of perpetual hope without fail comes with gigantic personal challenges.  Why? Because… it involves people; flawed and sin-filled people. There are rivalries, chaos, resistances, perfectionisms, triggers, old childhood grievances, unfulfilled wishes and unresolved grudges still at large and very presently woven throughout the season of joy and peace.

     As the year is ending, I am in a reflective state. This year has been one of heartache, growth, and renewed love. It’s not always easy to share with others when you are struggling in your marriage, and it can be just as difficult to trust God to repair your marriage, when you are used to being the “fixer.” When I finally relented, trusted God with my marriage and asked my prayer sisters to pray for us, I was brought face to face with the love He showed us through the life of Jesus.

When I think back over my 37 years of life, most of my stories are neatly packaged with a pretty bow.  I believe God is my great Redeemer and has instilled in our hearts a love and passion for stories of redemption. We love to hear about how God restored a broken marriage, how the woman who experienced the loss of miscarriage gave birth to a beautiful baby, how the child who went astray has turned back to God. As much as those stories highlight God’s power and might, where does that leave the one whose life is marked by grief, sadness and brokenness?

As someone who grew up outside of Chicago and then spending almost 20 years outside of Las Vegas, this new landscape of rural North Dakota we find ourselves in is a dramatic change. However, it’s in this quiet place that I’ve been challenged to listen. Voices never cease their talk, no matter where we find ourselves. Some voices are louder than others. I have learned in this strangely quiet place, our joy, our perspective, and our faith will be determined by which voices we listen to.

Journey is one of my favorite words.  I use it all the time with clients, with friends, with my kids, and with myself.  It’s one of those words that I cling to; that helps remind me of the truth: Progress, not perfection.

Sometimes it is the simple things that grab my attention. I remember a few years back when a dear friend of Ignite Life shared how she was so frustrated with glitter because of the mess and then she changed her perspective and now every time she sees glitter, she’s reminded of the presence of God. Simple things.

We were back on the road early in the morning heading home after a weekend away. Just as we started the incline up Cajon Pass, we could see fog rolling in. Before we knew it, we were in a blanket of fog that gave us about 20’ feet of visibility. Sweat poured from my brow and palms. I frequently wiped the beads of anxiety from my face and dried my hands on my jeans.

Jesus was great at setting expectations. The disciples on the other hand were not always great about understanding and following through on them. Before he is crucified, Jesus tells the disciples, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27 NIV) He knows what they are about to go through and he knows that it’s going to be really scary, not to mention devastating. Think about it.

The shrieking smoke alarms pierced the 3:30am peaceful slumber of our household of 9.  I cannot think of anything less endearing than a 3:30am false smoke alarm. Kids were screaming and crying – chaos ensued as everyone found each other and determined that it was indeed a false alarm.  As my husband and I comforted our children we tried to explain that there must be a system error because after investigating, there was not a fire.

This world is a scary place. This life is a scary life.

Chaos. Betrayal. Sickness. Peril. Terror. Rage. Ignorance. Instability. Wars. Rumors of wars. Within, without, in relationships, home, work, school, society, the world. Everywhere except one place: Jesus. The very one named the Prince of Peace.

 When I was a little girl growing up wrestling with rejection as my parents were not in my life because of their addictions, I had an uncle who was a dedicated believer in Jesus; Uncle Mark.  My family did not (and still does not) understand the change from who he was before his encounter with Jesus to this very different man he had become. Yet, I have never known my Uncle Mark without Jesus.

For months now I have been praying for people I have never met. The internet can be a beautiful place where we get to connect with people's stories from all over the world. Stories with endings that are as beautiful as fairytales and endings that break your heart in ways that you couldn’t imagine. Praying for individuals that I don’t know always forces me to ask the question “how powerful do I believe prayer really is?”

My husband Gabe and I have been together for almost 16 years. For our entire relationship, Gabe has been a non-believer. As for me, when we first began dating, I wasn’t fully living out my faith. Did I believe in God? Most definitely!

It had already been a fascinating evening. During the Passover meal, Jesus had washed His disciples’ feet in a stunning display of the Master being the servant. And then there was the revelation that one of the Twelve (who were all gathered around the table) would betray Him.

Have you ever heard the phrase “do more of what makes you happy”? On the surface, this is a pretty innocent statement and to some, even good advice. In fact, our culture is pretty obsessed with happiness. Go on Amazon and look at how many books have happiness in the title. Go to Google and search for "happiness coaching." Look at how many people are waiting by their phone for you to cough up cash to learn to be happier. There are even university degrees that can teach you to teach people to be happier! We are also constantly being told, whether explicitly or implicitly, that we need this product or that new thing in our lives to be happy. We may be tempted to think- why wouldn’t we want to do more and/or have more of what makes us happy?

When I was a young woman I loved to be at my grandma’s house sitting at her kitchen table. She was the most loving and wisest woman I have ever known. I’m grateful for all the time we spent together. We met when I was 20 years old. It didn’t take her long to hold my face in her hands, look me directly in the eyes, and tell me that she loved me and that Jesus loved me too!

Wow, I noticed something this morning reading John 14 that I have never noticed before. The chapter is bookended with this word – “going”.

 Jesus begins the chapter saying “I am going to prepare a place for you…and you know where I am going and how to get there.”  Jesus ends the chapter saying “let’s be going.”

Hmmm...I am going, you know how to get there, now let’s be going. 

One of the earliest memories I have of my father is him coming to my grandmother’s house, where I lived and was being raised by her, to say goodbye. I remember him standing in the doorway and telling me that he was moving back to California. I remember standing there watching him get on his bicycle and pedal down the driveway. I remember running across my grandmother’s lawn, crying, and watching him turn the corner and out of sight.

The thought of September always makes me feel warm and cozy. It is my birth month, and I grew up with a mother who loved to celebrate my birthday. Colorful decorations. Balloons. A big, beautiful butter cake covered in thick glossy chocolate frosting topped with pink candles. Piles of presents wrapped in slick paper adorned with flowers or hearts or Strawberry Shortcake. Bows and ribbons.